There are many mile markers to success. And while we may not actually be successful, we HAVE now achieved one significant accomplishment that we are thrilled about: Our very first death threat. So we would like to take some short time on this Friday afternoon of great new releases (the Arctic Monkeys and Beach House records are FIYAH) to send some love to _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _, a person who is oh so very dedicated to a certain acidic troubadour (no, not Ryan Adams) that they actually took it upon themselves to threaten our very lives.

As terroristic threats go, this one wasn’t that innovative. There was no specific weapon mentioned, no details about methods or time frames. _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ didn’t track down our home addresses or the names of family members. All-in-all the threat was uninspired, lazy, just kind of going through the death threat motions. _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ was obviously phoning this one in. Perhaps _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ had a long laundry list of people to threaten yesterday, dozens of obscure sites who had dared to speak of a certain velvet-voiced festival headliner in anything less than glowing terms. Maybe _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _ was yawning as the threat was typed out, wondering if another cup of tea was called for but deciding it was too late in the afternoon, simultaneously signing up for a Sunday yoga class. It’s stressful, all this threatening. Some zen time is needed. Then one can start afresh on Monday with some really good threats. We believe in you, _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _. We realize you may have just been having an off day, and we sincerely hope the next death threat you send our way is a little less stock. Have some fun with it. Paint it in vivid colors. SCARE us. Because we definitely aren’t trembling too hard after that first one.

This isn’t to say that we don’t appreciate you, _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _. It is these types of incidents that make having a website fun. The first day with a thousand hits. The first time you come up on Google search. The first couple of cents that come in from ad placements. The first re-tweet. The first threat of physical harm. It’s a long, hard slog, but these moments make it worth it.

So keep them coming, _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Perhaps we can make this a regular thing? Let us know your preferred death threat pen name and maybe we will even start a column. You know how to get in touch. We don’t plan on dissing your fave artist again anytime soon (that last single was great), but you can hopefully find other content here to froth with rage over. And don’t worry, we aren’t about snitching here at Niche Appeal. Your threats are safe with us.

Thank you, _ _ _ _ _   _ _ _ _ _ _ _. Your abject threat may have been a little limp, but it sure made our week. Have a good yoga class and we hope to hear from you again real soon.

Daniel Falatko