A booming round of applause is in order for Alphonse Pierre who has penned easily the most out-of-touch Pitchfork review of the day which, as someone who forced themselves to read them all,  is really quite an accomplishment I can assure you. If you’re searching for conclusive evidence of of this onetime cultural gatekeeper’s long, painful slide into finger-wagging reactionary joy killer territory then look no further than this review. An alternate headline could have easily been:

When Your Dad Catches You Listening To Lil Pump.

Upon catching you in your room blasting Young Jetski on a school night, Daddy Alphonse first chooses to, get this, chastise a Soundcloud rapper for rapping about drugs (!!!). Always a mistake, Dad. And I KNOW you toked loud in college. He next expresses outrage that this pink-dreaded joke rapper has the audacity to flex on your poor, hard working mother. “I’m richer than your Mom”? He shakes his head, his mustache bristling, countering with, “My Mom is a high school teacher, Pump” Yes, Father Alphonse actually writes this to Lil Pump in the review. And yes, we can be absolutely certain that the Harverd Dropout himself spent many hours pouring up lean, his pen cocked, awaiting the divine inspiration necessary to come up with the perfect line to truly hurt Alphonse Pierre’s mother. Dad just can’t believe that Pump attends strip clubs (Who are the responsible adults in this kid’s house?) or that he’s a millionaire who doesn’t know how to read (He’s a child left behind!) And if all this wasn’t Disappointed Dad enough to please his Pitchfork editors, Alphonse even goes so far as to shame Pump for making fun of his former school administrators. Is this the modern day equivalent of when boomer parents used to sit us down and explain that, even though Pink Floyd is totally groovy and puts on an amazing laser show, please don’t take them at face value when they say that you don’t need no education, mmmmkay? This review sure does sound like that eternally popular father/son conversation, and propz to Alphonse Pierre for being a way cool Dad that can still lay down The Law when he has to.

You want to know how cool this Pitchfork Dad really is? You want to understand how this is not just some out-of-touch oldhead yelling about rappers wearing skinny jeans? Well, check out this litany of, “Hey it’s not like I’m not totally lit and down with the kidz, I’m just not stanning for Lil Pump’s ignorance” cultural touchstone pandering:

“Each Pump single hovered around the two-minute mark, featured sinister keys, distorted bass, and lyrics that made more sense if you frequented DJ Akademiks Twitch streams.”

DJ Akademiks: 22 Lit Points

Twitch: 28 Lit Points

“Maybe these people are paid to gas Pump up while he plays Fortnite

Fortnite: 77 Lit Points

“EDM horns that will sound great at Rolling Loud

Rolling Loud: 55 Lit Points

“Pump’s poor decision making carries over to his beat selection, rapping over instrumentals that sound like he got really into DJ Carnage EDM sets in the last year.”

DJ Carnage: 10 Lit Points

That’s 192 Lit Points, son, so it’s not like I’m not lit or anything, I just think it’s incredibly disrespectful that this rapper you are listening to “doubles down on his vendetta against adults on the album”. Got it?

Perhaps there is no better example of “missing the essence of the artist” in this review than this right here:

“Pump says he’s so rich that he gets on a plane to get Wingstop; download the Yelp app Pump, there are definitely some good local wings in your area.”

You see, Dad, the whole point of Lil Pump is that his flexes don’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s cool that he’s so ridiculous, you know? Like, he probably does have the Yelp app but instead decides to take a plane to Wingstop because he’s so rich he doesn’t care, right? I mean, come on Dad. I can’t even with this conversation.

Alphonse Pierre isn’t mad at you. He’s just disappointed.

 

Rating: 4/10

 

Daniel Falatko